**************ONE, TWO, THREESOMES!!*******************
*****PRE-WEEKEND UPDATE!!*****
What's up with these threesomes going on??? I mean, did it all of a sudden become extremely trendy or is a still taboo subject? It seems like every married couple I know seems to be participating in them. Eh, I dunno... gettin' a little weird if you ask me. But hey, who am I to say anything? You never know unless you try, right? HA! Just kidding of course....
In other news: I will be unavailable after I guess 7ish, 8ish.. something like that. I've decided that I don't need this goddamn aggravation tonight and will be out having fun.
Remember, next Thursday is JULY FOURTH FEEL MY WRATH HOLIDAY IN THE PARK!
More to come... like a shotgun blast to the face.
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
*******FEEL MY WRATH!! JULY FOURTH HOLIDAY IN THE PARK!********
Wow. I almost completely forgot. Next week is the second annual July 4th Holiday in the Park. If anyone is interested in attending this year's madness in the MillHood's Rattan Creek Park please feel free to email me at mr_funn@hotmail.com for directions and RSVP's. This year should prove to be even more interesting then last year's so bring the kiddies and a flame retardent blanket! Molotav cocktails will be provided.
This year's extravaganza will include but is not limited to:
1.) Drunk rednecks in wife beaters drinking 4 gallons of beer, then pissing in the pool, or wretching behind a tree!
2.) Watching drunk rednecks set fire to themselves and casually yell in pain "See, it doesn't hurt that bad!"
3.) Watching drunk rednecks stand over mortar canon's and look dumb-founded as it blows up in there face!
4.) Williamson County ambulances hauling burn victims or amputee's that held the firecrackers in their fists away!
5.) Williamson Couty Sheriff's Dept. haul drunks away while breaking up redneck brawl's!
6.) Listening to a collage of different brands of music such as: The 1812 Overture, Hank Williams Jr., and Metallica "Master of Puppets" !!
A good time should be had by all that attend. You might want to bring such items as:
lawn chairs
beer
whiskey (Wild Turkey is preferred to as not upset the local rednecks in their natural state)
fire extinguishers
and sun block.
Also, be prepared to run for your life just in case the evening turns into a riot, so bring tennis shoes. Literally. Please leave all handguns and knives at home, shotguns are OK. I look forward to seeing everyone attend!
More to come...
Monday, June 24, 2002
***YOUR HOT SPOT FOR FUN, WITH GUNS IN THE SUN****
***POST WEEKEND UPDATE***
Well, the weekend was a little more exciting then I anticipated.
Friday I spent the summer solstice having dinner and drinks, while watching the sun dive into the lake at 9:32 pm and flashing nearby tourists who were docking nearby. Scared the living heck outta them.
No, I'm just kidding. I didn't flash anyone, but the girl I was with did! It was great.
Saturday was a day of recovery, after the sun went down it was another story though. Hit POTG and Carrozigirl's place, had a few drinks and watched Out Cold, proceeded to Sam's Boat later on for more drinks and shinanigans with Sara and Aiesha, two former coworkers from Victoria's Secret, who afterwards coaxed me into going to the wonderful shake joint Penthouse where we kicked back in the VIP section. I wasn't all that impressed with the VIP section, actually. I don't know quite what I was expecting, but they failed to meet it. I guess it was because I was with four or five girls when I went in. I dunno. I did have fun watching my friend Sara get a lap dance, the look on her face was picture worthy. Unfortunately, I couldn't take a picture of her receiving a lap dance under the fear that a huge brawny dude named Bruno would come out of the darkness and bash me over the head with a wooden mallet. But I still had fun.
Sunday was much more calm. Went over to POTG's place to swim with his royal self, Carrozigirl, Cynthia and her daughter. Later on, after apoligizing to the people of the pool for blinding them, I watched King O' the Ring and began to purcolate plans for an excursion into the den of sin, Las Vegas! Legalized prostitution, 24 hour bars, gambling.. Just your plain ole good town of debauchery! Whoa boy!
More to come...
Friday, June 21, 2002
*****PRE-WEEKEND UPDATE!!*******
Wish me luck everyone... this should prove to be an interesting weekend since I have absolutely nothing really planned at all. Even tonight's plans are still up in the air. It's been quite a while since I haven't had any rhyme or reason to the weekend, so I'm guessing that I should just go with the flow and see where it takes me. I dunno, maybe I'll get married this weekend, raise a couple of pups, grip the world in my iron fist... or maybe... just maybe... and prolly most likely, I'll just sit around in my "Get Lucky, Be Happy" smiley faced print boxers and eat cheese and crackers on the front porch, smoking cigarettes and drinking a twelve pack of Coca-Cola while reading Shakespere's Much Ado About Nothing.
Wild times! Wild times! World watch out!
More to come...
Thursday, June 20, 2002
*********SAVE THE DATE!! MAYBE LATER...***********
Becky, just in case you're reading this, you lost the bet.
In case anyone is wondering just what the bet was, it was that someone whom I met a week ago that will remain nameless and, might I add, someone that disappeared last year around the middle of July, was supposed to call me or at the very least leave me an email message, and since she did not do so, I believe that means I get my drinks paid for next time we go out! HA! Actually, I couldn't let that happen anyway, but just so you know, you did lose the bet, she never did call or even send me an email.
Which will now lead me to my final point.... Hey... Dammit... I quit.
No more of this pining after women I can never grasp (because they're out of their heads, or worse yet, married). No more of this pointless flirting crap. I quit. Plain and simple. Consider me a retired dater. Spending countless hours trying to win their affection, and then, several weeks later (if I'm lucky), BAM! They're history! That sparkling look in their eyes, those countless phone calls everyday where you spend hours on the phone talking about nothing important, just to hear their voice and know that they care, those flirtatious gropes and grabs (you know what I'm talking about... don't even say you don't)... And then it's gone. Plain and simple. I guess I just bore the hell out of them, or I smother them, or they don't like it when I call them at four in the morning breathing heavily into the receiver (Just kidding folks! Just kidding!). I dunno and I'm tired of trying to figure the whole damn thing out. It's a moot point.
And don't get me wrong! I'm not angry! Just exasperated... or befuddled. I've heard it from my team of overly nice guys (or in other words, us DOORMATS) that it happens to them as well. Well, my words of wisdom to you, at least until you feel more like you have some kind of edge on the situation or you've read that link to the most eye popping article I've ever read, quit, don't worry about it anymore. Are you in one of those situations I'm speaking of right now? Confused because the woman you're chasing keeps leading you on and dropping your heart on the floor, laughing insanely and you don't know why? CAUSE WE'RE SAPS! WE LET IT HAPPEN TO US AND WE KEEP LETTING IT HAPPEN TO US!
So quit doing it, lay back for awhile and get your head on straight. Then go get 'em...
More to come... I'm sure.
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
******VERY LATE WEEKEND UPDATE!!*********
Had a very good time as Dame's BBQ Saturday night. The tops of the evening consisted of a long forgotten beer drinking game, beer pong! Between drinking dirt soaked cups of beer and dukeing it out in the hot tub with Cynthia and Wally Champ, we called it a night. Friday night was... well... really bizarre, but in a kinda' cool way. We'll just leave it be for the moment, perhaps, if I get some more information or am contacted again by phone or by email, I'll write more about it.
I had a very enjoyable time this weekend, and look forward to next weekend when, hopefully, the Yellow Fever, might be able to repair and resurrect my God awful truck and it's airconditioning! Oh yes, you'll be sure to hear more about that if it happens.
More to come...
Friday, June 14, 2002
**************UPDATE***************
I will once again be unavailable starting at six pm. I will be flinging panties till eight, then I have an interview with Fredricks of Hollywood. Seriously...
More to come...
***I WISH THEY WOULD APPROVE THAT FREAKIN' MONORAIL!!***
I hate not having A/C. I hate this heat. It's enough to draw the life out of you!
I think the damn monorail would prove to be ideal here in Austin so all those idiots that absolutely have to use their cell phones while driving can just ride around and talk about all their important crap without getting anyone killed or without pissing me off!! I swear, what really bothers me are these morons that creep along MoPac, doing 50 in a 65, swerving all over the road because they can't let that one call go and talk to them later! Meanwhile, of course, I'm driving right behind them in my tinderbox of a car, sweating my balls off, literally, and becoming more and more pissed as the seconds tick by. And I can't pass these fools up, because in the next lane there's another retard doing the EXACT SAME THING. Now, I've seen some people that can pull off the driving and talking on the cell phone. But they're far and few between.
God forbid I ever get hold of a gun. Not that I'd kill them really, but I'd definately scare the shit out of them.
Stupid pricks...
More to come...
Thursday, June 13, 2002
***BEST ARTICLE REGARDING US NICE GUYS!!****
www.capnasty.org/issues/7/9/1194
This has got to be the best article I have ever seen regarding single people and the nice guy syndrome! This article was brought to my attention by the Hza regarding my past few rants and raves about the single life and my theories on always being considered the nice guy. I suggest all who have ever been considered the nice guy/gal of any wishful relationship read this and take notes... print the damn thing out as a handbook if neccessary.
More to come...
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
******IT'S JUST ME... I'M THE ONLY CRAZY ONE*******
HA! It's just me.... that's what the problem is. Trying to find a single woman amidst the mass of psycho's has proven nearly impossible. And all this time I thought I was just meeting psychotic women, and all this time it was ME who was psycho! Imagine that.
You know the whole bit of wanting to meet a nice, single female with a good head on her shoulders, decent looks, at least a halfway decent personality and charm... well, it's not going to happen. Even monogamy seems to be a thing of the past. The barrell has been scraped dry by the morons of the world, and this happened while we were waiting around for somebody to come up to us! This is our punishment! This is our penance! We must suffer at the cruel, bad humored hands of fate!
Heh heh. And you know those people that have that really sympathetic voice and say something along the lines of, "There's somebody out there for you..." and the all time fav, "You're just looking in the wrong places..." and who could forget, "You're trying to hard! Take it easy and let them come to you!". I really want to punch those people in the face.
Why? Because, as I've said so many times before they're gone! And those people that give you the advice, they're already married or seeing someone, so they have no room to talk! Women! If I'm wrong then prove it to me! Cause I'm sure this little rant does nothing for my popularity with the female crowd. Hopefully they have a sense of humor though.
Let me finish by saying that those girls that are going to come up to you, they have been or currently are convicted of a felon. Probably murder.
But hey, beggars can't be choosers.
More to come....
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
*******************I GOT BURNED!!!*************************
And luckily it wasn't in the usual fashion that I'm so used to. My little brother made a valid point the other day.. I only have two sets of clothes... Office clothes and nightlife clothes, regarding that I'm hardly seen during day light hours. So, I figured, what the hell? I might as well enjoy some of the summer by catching some sun and getting some exercise... boy, was that a mistake. I played pool volleyball with him, his girlfriend, and some of their other friends. It occured to me that I must be pretty white when several kids began screaming out in pain and shielding their eyes as they were running away.
Later on I then decided to go hiking around a dried out creekbed, thought I would keep the energy going since it was such a rare occasion that I was up and out before one in the afternoon... I ended up falling asleep next to the creek, and woke up with second degree burns all over my freakin' body. This is why vampires hate going out in the daylight.... CAUSE THEY BURN! Now I look like a damn leper with my skin all peeling off and I can't even raise my arms above my head for fear of the pain that's associated with it. Damn you daylight people.
Later in the evening, after a nice, refreshing HOT SHOWER (Never take a hot shower after knowing that you're sunburned... It hurts... Bad) I came to the conclusion that daylight hours were for the freakin' birds and they could very well just keep it. Actually, I enjoyed the day thoroughly and will keep going out during daylight hours... I guess this time though I might try stuff called sunscreen which is supposed to cause less pain to occur after swimming or sleeping in dried out creek beds with snakes.
Oh yeah, and if you read yesterday's post, our friend Hza had some other things to add... check it out here!
http://hza.pgbco.com
And also, they've finally put it out, the long awaited PGBCO Comic Strip. I actually really look like my character. Wally was right on!
http://comic.pgbco.com
Check it out!
More to come...
Monday, June 10, 2002
**********HOW DID THEY DO IT?*************
Okay, I've gotta ask, how did they do it? I'm talking about those complete bastards that got married to the most perfect women! C'mon people, you know what I'm talking about! Example, the guy that comes home from an eight hour shift at work, expects the wife to have cooked, cleaned, taken care of the children PLUS work her own eight hour shift on the job, sits down on the couch, watches TV and tells her to bring him more beer. Then bitches when it comes time to put the kids to bed and the poor fatass has to get off the couch and help out. There's a handful of guys that aren't like that of course, however, I've seen it or heard about it far to often to completely ignore it.
Take a look around! Us poor, pathetic few that are still single, waiting for that perfect girl to come along... well, guess what? Chances are, that perfect girl for you is ALREADY MARRIED! And unless you want to go ahead and start breaking that cardinal seventh commandment, you've gotta start scraping the bottom of the barrell or start looking for girls a little younger then you are (let me clarify, I'm talking about girls possibly two years younger then you... 24-2=22 years of age).... and once again, you gotta be quick, cause those are going fast as well!
What makes these perfect women fall for the scum of the earth? It's kind of like, to start off with, they're reaching down to the bottom of the barrell and just accepting what they come up with.... the abusive, the deadbeat, the argumentative, the boring, the braindead. Whatever comes up first, they accept as fate, and end of marrying, I guess expecting them to change their ways or planning to have a happy ever after type of ending. While us single guys bend over backwards and break our necks, hoping that one day fate will smile upon us and hook us up with some great and marvelous woman. Someone who we could foresee a future with. It makes one wonder... if these wonderful women are marrying idiots and scumbags... what the hell does that make us single guys?
Before anyone gets carried away and starts to send me nasty notes about "not every girl is a model" or "I'm looking in the wrong places..." let me just say that I'm not looking for a super model.
I'm looking for a woman that is somewhere in my weight class, preferably with two eyes, and not that it should matter, however, it would be nice if they were somewhat attractive, even vaguely attractive. Oh yeah, I've been to church, I've been downtown, I've tried different things and been to different places... THERE'S NO ONE THERE! THEY'RE ALREADY MARRIED!
Before I end this ranting and raving, also let me point out, that I'm not looking so hard that it's desperation.... wait... YES IT IS! Like I said before, I'm having to start scraping the bottom of the barrell. There's only two alternatives left to my situation... desperation or become a priest.
So don't yammer to me about staying out of the bar scene or downtown, cause it doesn't really matter... Now, I'm not saying there aren't any great, wonderful, at least semi-attractive women out there who aren't married and searching for Mr. Right... but so far as now, I haven't met any... And I'm willing to put money down that I'm not going to find them around here.
"Keep on going and chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you're least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something while sitting down." - Charles F. Kettering
More to come...
Friday, June 07, 2002
*************UPDATE****************
I will be unavailable after 8 PM... I will be available, or back in town, at 10 AM if anyone cares to do anything.
**************THE WEEK IS OVER!!!**************************
Not that it's really all a big deal or anything considering that I haven't been stressed out for the past few days since all of my co workers have gone to a seminar in San Antonio, and left me here all alone, cruising the internet and taking care of small tasks I have successfully completed a whole twelve pack of Coke's within the past two days... I feel bloated and sick... But it's been fun. I was able to leave the toilet seat up, work without interruption, and the freedom to express myself in the only way that I know how... To take a boat horn outside and scare the hookers.
It was great...
More to come...
Thursday, June 06, 2002
*********EVERYONE'S GONE MAD!!!*************
I don't know what it is, I just keep noticing it everywhere I go. It's like people have taken leave of their senses... whether it comes to driving on MoPac or I-35, whether it's waiting in line at HEB, or talking to people on the phone, I swear, it's like they've just had a lobotomy. Perhaps I have no more patience with people anymore.
Just today for instance, I'm driving to pick up a few gift certificates from Fry's when this guy suddenly slams on his brakes right in front of me, causing me to skid off onto the shoulder. I look back to see if maybe he's having a heart attack or if his brakes seized up or what the hell it was... No, the moron was driving with his cell phone and it looked like he just had some bad news. So, he decided to stop in the middle of MoPac. Does this make sense to anyone???!
And let's talk about HEB and other stores! If there are people backing up into the aisles, because they don't have enough people working the cash registers... why don't they call some of the other employees who were playing hop scotch out back to come and help out! Stupid me, I was buying flowers for someone today, just some flowers and a coke, and I had to wait in line for half an hour because no one would open up the Express Lane. Hell, maybe I'm just really impatient, but there were others like me that could have been in and out of the store if they would've open another register.
I'm watching people stumble around outside in the heat... now, I understand, the heat sucks. But these people are drooling all over themselves and others, stumbling around aimlessly. It's like Austin has become one huge funny farm.
Then again, I'm not much better, look at what I'm doing and how I'm reacting to a certain situation that only a handful of you know about. I guess it's all just in my head, and I'm the one who's gone insane.
More to come...
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
***I HAVE TAKEN OVER THE OFFICE AND AM SITTING AROUND IN NUDE!!!****
Yes, they have left me all alone in the office! Oh, the hilarious hijinks I will get up to since all of my co-workers have gone to San Antonio for a seminar. There will be keg racing in the back, go-go dancers in my office, of course, and the topless volleyball game will be held in the backyard. Roulette will be offered in the reception area. Let the good times roll!
In other late breaking stories, my jaw is better, I took some wonderfully groovy pain killers last night called Vicatin, it was like being drunk without the hangover! Well... kinda... I couldn't wake up this morning to save my life, I guess that might be similar to a hangover... But without the headaches and nauseous feeling that makes you feel like a floor of a sleazy shake joint.
More to come...
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
***CHELSEA STREET PUB CLOSED FOR GOOD! AND I GOT A ROOT CANAL!****
Yes, yesterday marked the closing of Chelsea Street Pub and Grill located in Lakeline Mall. For those of you unfamiliar with the wonderful den of sin, let me explain a little of the festivities that were engaged in on a nightly basis. Karoake Wednesday through Saturday nights, with Comedy Nights being on Tuesdays... Sunday and Monday were mainly for the serious, hardcore drunks that decided the weekend wasn't quite over yet. At one time, this place used to be the hub of suave activity and wreckless abandon... however, in the past year, the old, fun crowd stopped showing and a new, disreputable crowd began to form. That's more or less when I stopped going, although by everyone else's standards, the place was alway scummy.... I'd stop in every once and awhile, have a few drinks and talk to some of the seedier people... hey, listen, if you wanted somebody whacked or you wanted some groovy drugs, prostitutes, or stolen cars, this place was the place to go. And it was located in a mall no less, that's what the funniest part of the whole thing was. Aron took over as god `o' karoake sometime last summer and was doing a smashing good job of it... Now, without the patron saint of bad jokes and crotch throwing, the world will seem a bit more.... un-fun.
Oh, yeah. And I got a root canal today. I'm doped up on some yummy Demirol... or something....
More to come.
